She will be just fine

There are many times that I have just thought that I wish certain things were just a dream and that all I had to do is just make it through the night and I'd wake up and the nightmare would be over. Trust me there have been times where in the middle of a dream I would wake up thanking God that in fact it was just a nightmare.

However, as I mentioned previously my mom has been battling Breast Cancer and it has been a total nightmare that I wish were a dream and that I would eventually wake up and it would have just been a bad dream, unfortunatley it has not worked out that way. Luckily she has caught it in the very early stage and all it would take is surgery and maybe some radiation. I think about it everyday, espeically because it is Breast Cancer Awareness month and every commercial and AD on TV has made me think of my mom. I can't even watch Football without thinking about her because of all the pink shoes and wristbands that the players are wearing. She actually been very positive and upbeat about it, I wish I could be as upbeat as her, but I'm not. Although facts and people havve repeatedly reminded me that once the surgery is over it is like a 10% chance of it rearing its uglyhead again. I mean it is Cancer which is one of the scariest things that any family can go through. The outreach of friends is what has stopped me from going overboard and the constant prayers and thoughts have certainly eased the tension in my mind. It's been a battle that I'm sure me and the rest of my family are ready to beat. She will have surgery tommorrow and God willing nothing will happen and my mom will be fine and the strong woman I have always looked up to.

I can't help but think that this is different though, she has always been in my corner after every needle stick, xray, surgery, sickness and whatever else I go through I have always waken up to her sweet voice saying "Honey can I get you something?" or " Are you comfortable" or the simple fact of seeing her face and telling me that she loves me and that everything will be ok. My mom has endured 8 open heart surgerys, millions of Doctor Appts, tons of Cardiac Caths always dealing with me in the worse moods of crying, screaming, yelling and occasional cussing. Day and night she stuck with me and has never given up on me. I can remember one time, where I was so frustrated and tired, I had not gotten more than two hours of sleep . I was cranky and just plain pissed off and felt like God had punished me for some reason and the punishment was my heart condition. I had completely lost it, I told the nurse to F**k off ( because she had missed my vein three times trying to put an IV in) and threw a water pitcher across the room. I was beyond mad just more agitated because it was exactly the 21st day I was in the hospital. My mom just looked at me and told me she loved me picked up the water pitcher and began holding my hand and just watched sportscenter with me and for some reason that was all I needed and I made it through the rest of the week and went home. I always took for granted that she was there and sometimes I thought she would let me have a night to myself. Than again I don't know If I would have even survived one surgery let alone eight without her.

Tommorrow will be one of the hardest days of my life knowing that I'm 900 miles away from my mom as she deals with surgery. I feel as though roles should be reversed I should be the one she sees when she wakes up, holding her hand. Instead i'll be in a cubicle staring at a screen for eight hours hoping my sister has texted me with updates. I flirted with the idea of flying up there, but due to prior obligations with work it was simply not possible. I will brave the day and try and put on a face like nothing is wrong, when in fact I will be hurting because I can not be there for my mom when she needs me the most. If I do know my mom like I think I do she will be fine and within a couple of hours after her surgery she will be asking me if I had taken my medicine and pestering me about if I think any girls are cute. I will smile and say ' I love you Mom'

From Baby Ruth to Biopsy

Today was a day to forget, not one of those when you look and think hey this day was great I hope to relive it again. For starters, I was incredibly tired from lack of sleep not because of the amounts of tossing and turning, however it is actually a good tired if there is even such a thing. Late night conversations with people you really enjoy talking to usually fall into this category. Hopefully it will continue! I guess the sleeping patterns that I have been experimenting with have finally caught up to me. Not to mention going to work and finding out you were supposed to finish something yesterday but didn't and had to hear about it from just about everybody. ( TPS Reports). However, the real excitement did not come until later on in day when I had to talk to my boss about those “things” I failed to do before I left from work yesterday. Nothing too harsh, just your average lecture about how we (all) and when I say all she really meant ME, need to increase our productivity and to keep customers #1 in our minds. Excuse me, but when was the last time the customer thought to keep us #1 in their minds??? It probably wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be however, it was not something I particularly wanted to hear right before I go home. When I had finally gotten home all I could think of was to lay on the couch and turn my mind off and watch things on TV that would probably make me retarded but that was Ok because I thought in my mind I had earned it. When you deal with nurses all day you tend to be a little bitter and unreasonable at the end of the mind numbing day.

Before I could plop myself on the couch I received a phone call from the older sibling, but I couldn't hear her because she was whispering. She began with the words DAD's Cholesterol is 285!! Now I am no nurse or Dr. but I do know that is an incredibly big number to have in terms of your health. I started laughing because in the back of my mind I always knew this was going to happen to someone who buys 6 bags of candy for Halloween and only uses about 1 ½. Than when you ask him about it he pretends like hes finding out for the first time. Also coming from a guy who will eat whatever he can as long as its either sweet, salty or just plain not good for you. The man is a machine. Well this machine has not gotten a tune up in a long time. So after hearing about it I decided to confront the culprit first hand:

Me: Hey Mr. 285

D: What?? Who told you that?

Me: Mom and Sis

D: No, they don't know what they are talking about, its not that bad

Me: Dad I have found bags of Candy all over and they are Baby Ruth ( favorite), you hide it in your car, your lunch bag, and even in your bedroom closet.

D: What are you talking about Willis? ( his favorite saying)

D: So what, if I have a few sweets??

Me: Dad, its not just the candy, you drink Pepsi like you work for them, you eat cashews all the time they might as well put your face on the can and don't get me started about the Ice Cream.

D: Dr. said I was fine and perfectly healthy..

Me: Ok, than why did he put you on medicine.

D: I don't know you should call him up and ask him

Me: Maybe I will, and while I'm at it I may just schedule your next appointment for next month

D: Riiiiiighggght ( another favorite saying only he really exaggerates it)

Me: Well what else did he say??

D: Nothing he said I'm Ok,

Me: Dad were going to clean out the house of all the sweets you eat and not let you eat anymore.

D: Do you think I only have one hiding places in the house? Here talk to your mother

The conversations with my D, never seem to amaze me because of the stuff he comes up with. He can make everything out of a joke and think its funny. My M seems to think hes not letting on that he is really scared, I guess because he wants us to think that he is strong etc. My M got back on the phone and I'm thinking well this day has sucked what else, and just when I started to think that M was like well I went to the Dr. and they found something. Now I'm not usually good with taking bad news, but this was different. It was my M, and to say that she has a special place in my heart, well that would be the biggest understatement of my life. I love her like a fat kid loves cake. She has always been there for me and is really where I get most of my strength from. So as the conversation continued she revealed that cancer MIGHT rear its ugly head. Now I know people get cancer all the time, in fact some of my friends mom's have cancer and I always thought it was a horrible thing, but God would never do that to me. I have been through enough myself for the whole family and than some.

D-day is October 1^st and we will find out what happens. If there is one thing that annoys me about my mom its that she hides everything from me and my sister. Heaven forbid if something happens to us and we didn't tell her. She says that she didn't want us to worry, but how is that not possible especially when you love someone so much. I eventually started to calm down when I got some much needed information from someone. Apparently it is very common to have a cyst and the odds of actually having cancer are very slim, and the good news is that they caught it at an early stage if in fact it turns out to be cancerous. Until than, I will keep my fingers crossed that everything will work out the way its supposed too. So Thank you, to that special someone who has helped me through it.

Always Check your Pockets

My mom always told me if there is at least one thing a man should learn to do, that would be to learn how to do the laundry, she said to always make sure I had clean underwear on no matter what. Well finally I had to learn, I was a frosh in College, even than my mom insisted that I come home and she would do it for me. I guess its one of those things that Mom's love to do for their sons, maybe not. She would always pester me to come back home for the weekend and let her do my laundry. Part of me was always like "hell ya" that way I always knew my clothes would smell spring fresh just like the way I would like them to be. Eventually I learned to just do it on my own, I actually liked doing laundry it sort of gave me time to myself and let me relax in a way and get away from the stress of school and let me just think about nothing while the spin cycle was doing its work.

The years went on and I really to this day never made any mistakes I never bleached anything real bad, separated my colors and became the best damn laundry folder in the South. I mean it didn't hurt that I spent two years at Old Navy folding till my mind went numb. However, it did help shape my folding skills that I made it into an art form. Every sleeve matched up and the pants folded at the exact crease making it look like Picasso just finished another painting. I felt like the clothes were my canvas and there was nothing that I could do to mess it up. Truly master pieces every time

Like I said I never really made any mistakes in the laundry world, there would be a mishap every so often of mixing a few colors but nothing to jump off the deep end. However I knew my day would come and man did it ever, I had put in my colors like usual a few items that I hold near and dear to my heart were mixed in along with some other articles of clothing. This morning I didn't bother to check my clothes just threw them in the dryer before work

Eight hours later, in the midst of hurrying to they gym to show the ladies what they are missing, I flung the door open and nearly had a heart attack. Everything was BLUE, the dryer door, the dryer walls everything. I flung the clothes on the floor only to realize that every inch of the dryer looked like a smurf just got blown up. I ran to my room and inspected every piece of clothing to the exact detail. Of course my swordfish undies didn't get harmed, but then I picked up my most prized article of clothing. My 1985 Jim McMahon t-shirt. The one that I had gotten when I was five for my b-day, Now I'm sure your like what, you still fit into clothes that you wore when your five. Yep only when I was five the shirt was 10x the size of me. It was so big that the shirt would drag wherever I went. It even had tears at the bottom from the floor, but by this time It fit so comfortably. The neck on the shirt was perfect, soft and grey with a huge picture of the "Punky QB" right on the front with his Adidas headband that he made famous.

After I recovered from the aneurysm, I left in disgust to pump Iron and let my frustrations out. I returned home to the open dryer door and I just stood there looking at what I had done and all I could think of was .. The dryer is probably laughing at me and in its own diabolical voice saying" GOTCHA, you thought you knew it all." I quickly asked someone what I could do to rectify the situation and all I needed was alcohol and lots of it. So I quickly asked M if he had any and I began scrubbing like Cinderella. Slowly I began noticing I was slowly becoming lightheaded and weak, before I knew it M was tapping me yelling for me to wake up. Yep, that's right I sniffed so much rubbing alcohol that I passed out on the cold tile floor. I slowly got up and went to the couch and sat there for a good five minutes to recollect my thoughts. I had to finish and make it right because honestly I messed up and this wasn't my dryer. I felt an obligation to clean up the mess I made. So M, made me promise to only clean for 30 seconds at a time. I obliged and began cleaning like a mad man. After an hour, sweat, fumes and tears that my prized t-shirt would not be the same. I though what is the one substance that could cure all ...Bleach. So I jumped in my car, slammed on the glass( bumper to bumper the avenue passed. ). It was a hit and run like I was robbing the store of Bleach. I got home slapped on gloves and went to work....AGAIN. Still no luck, eventually I gave up cleaned the dryer with warm water and prayed that I had done enough to not let any of M's or my clothes face more consequences. I threw in some whites and let god take over. I dried the load and everything was fine, except I knew my shirt was never going to be the same.

I failed to realize in the end that there was one thing that I had failed to remember that my mom had preached and preached like it was Sunday, everyday..... Check Your Pockets before you do laundry.

1985... Wouldnt Be so bad??

I recently celebrated another birthday, I swear I just did this not too long ago. My mom of course was the first to remind me of how old I'm getting by saying “Can you just go back to when you were 3 yrs old, you were so damn cute running around in your little shorts.” Of course I said “Mom, are you kidding me? NO.” Than after thinking about it, I began wishing that wouldn't be so bad. I mean right now I have a full time job, bills, stress, Why wouldn't I want too? 1985 was so easy, I just slept, ate and played with my He-Man action figures and on occasion cried if I didn't get my way. What could be bad?

The world revolved around my toys and when I could watch the eventual Super Bowl Champion Chicago Bears that year. The hardest part of the day was deciding if I wanted to watch cartoons or go to the park and play. It's crazy to think that the simplest things in life make you so happy. I cant think of the last time I was as happy as I was when I was Three. Everything was simple, my sister would be at school and I was at home with my mom. Here is a typical day according to my Mom of when I was Three:

8:00 - Wake up Watch Cartoons, Eat

9:00 -Cartoons

10:00: Play with toys

11:00 More toys

12:00 Eat lunch- sometimes a Happy Meal at McDonald's which was the highlight of the day

1:00 Go to the Park or the Pool

2:00 Nap

3:00 Sister comes home and play and annoy her

4:00 Cartoons

5:00 Play more

6:00 eat dinner

7:00 dress up in my Bears football uniform and play football in the living room

8:00 Bed time

Ok, so maybe this might be a slight exaggeration not everyday could be so eventful, I did actually do some productive things like color or draw or scribble on my Bears coloring book. I usually had to go run errands with my mom and If I was good we would go feed the ducks at the river walk. I did not have to worry about work, what to make for dinner, my bank account none of those.

However, I neglected to think of all the things that do make me happy that I for sure could not do when I was three such as: driving no matter where it be with music blaring or Football weekends with friends grilling out or looking forward to Softball or Flag football games during the week. Looking back on 1985 I forgot how fun it can be to be older. I guess 2009 isn't as bad as I thought!

Mr. Universe

I have never been a big guy by any means, my metabolism is as fast as a ... well I couldnt think of anything as fast as that because I dont think anything can compare. I can eat a full meal for lunch but by dinner time I will have used everything that I got from lunch to make it to dinner. Like, Nicole Richie I do as well look like a stick but not sick looking. Anyway since the untimely break up I needed to fill some down time. So I joined a Gym. Going in there was the most intimidating feeling I have ever felt. I look around and all I see is ripped gym rats pumping iron like its life or death, and here I am standing ther just trying to gain weight. I started by lifting weights as much as I could, but the more I look around the more intimidated I get. I can barely break a sweat while the guy next to me is probably sweating more than my body weight. Im not in it to win Mr. Universe, I just want to gain weight and not look like my parents only fed me bread and water.

I have been now three days and every day has been easier than the last. I feel so soar the next day but i guess that means that im not wasting my money. I have been drinking protein shakes and trying not too eat soo much junk but rather bannannas and other things that people call "healthy". I'm hoping that I'm not just wasting time and money but it actually serves a purpose. My goal is to put on at least 20 pounds. Hopefully than I can enter the Mr. Universe contest.

Not Shutting the Door

After some time off because.. Well basically I didnt have anything really to write about. Something happend that has changed my life. After 4 years of great companionship I decided to cut ties with my significant other. I had been thinking about this decision for quite sometime. My feelings are being sorted still 5 days, after the aftermath known as our relationship. I won't go into exact detail why I decided to make this decision, but I will leave you with an Idea. I had been going out with M without her parents really knowing what was going on. Your first question might be why in god's name did her parents not know about a courtship of over 4 years? The answer to that my friend is that they( M's Parents) were not particularly fond of my decent. Since I'm of the Indian persuasion they felt that, that alone was not good enough for their daughter. However, M felt differently. We had been caught before and warned not to defy them. By we, I mean M had been warned with threats of monument fashion. **** They have yet to meet me or give me a chance***

Threats that are so severe that M, would be fincancially cut off for the rest of her life if we were found guilty. At 22 she was not in the position to tell her parents the truth, so she lead a double life, constantly lying and decieving her parents. Well after dealing with this for 4 years I felt as though she needed to let her parents know what was going on. So I told her I would like it if she told her parents about our relationship. She hesitated, which I dont blame her for, worried about the consequences she might face. So after months and months of telling her that it would be better for her to tell her parents, rather than us getting caught and than really paying for it. M was left in a quandry. It felt as though she was caught between her parents and me. Don't get me wrong I love the girl, however it seemed as though she needed time to really think about what she really wanted, As do I. M, was talking about seriously settling down sometime in the furture to be able to tell her parents. However, I'm not ready because 1. i have not graduated yet and 2. Im not sure if I really want to make a committment this early in my life without a job etc. I don't blame M one bit if she continues to not tell her parents becuase to loose your parents support both financially and emotionally is a big step.

So although im not ready to fully end things with M, I feel as though we both need to take time apart to see what we both need and want. IF it leads back to us I will definetly not object to getting back together. I dont know how I'm dealing with it right now, but im just trying to take it one day at a time and see where that takes me.

Dorm Watch 2007

I have lived in a dorm room for quite a long time now (2 years) and each year I tell myself OK It's time to go. However, I find myself back in the same room the next semester. This year was supposed to be different. I planned to get myself closer to getting out of school by taking some classes over the summer. Step 2 would be to find a place to live. Originally I had planned on staying one more summer in the dorm and rent an apt or house next fall and celebrate my senior year. Well a friend of mine asked me the other day to live with him this summer and next fall. Immediately i jumped on the offer without remembering that I had already put a down payment on the same dorm room. Now what's the problem you ask? Why can't you just go tell them that something came up and you need to terminate the contract? Easier said than done my friend. It was $150 deposit and basically I won't see that cash again. Telling that to my father is not the thing you want to do. How will I justify that I totally screwed my self as well as him by saying " hey dad guess what you just gave the University money that wasn't necessary". My father is a very complicated individual there are certain ways to deal with him. He hates the way the university deals with the payment system already and to tell a man that he gave them money for no need will just steam him even more. I have a meeting with the dorm area coordinator tom morrow to see if they can help me out .. Stay tuned