There are many times that I have just thought that I wish certain things were just a dream and that all I had to do is just make it through the night and I'd wake up and the nightmare would be over. Trust me there have been times where in the middle of a dream I would wake up thanking God that in fact it was just a nightmare.
However, as I mentioned previously my mom has been battling Breast Cancer and it has been a total nightmare that I wish were a dream and that I would eventually wake up and it would have just been a bad dream, unfortunatley it has not worked out that way. Luckily she has caught it in the very early stage and all it would take is surgery and maybe some radiation. I think about it everyday, espeically because it is Breast Cancer Awareness month and every commercial and AD on TV has made me think of my mom. I can't even watch Football without thinking about her because of all the pink shoes and wristbands that the players are wearing. She actually been very positive and upbeat about it, I wish I could be as upbeat as her, but I'm not. Although facts and people havve repeatedly reminded me that once the surgery is over it is like a 10% chance of it rearing its uglyhead again. I mean it is Cancer which is one of the scariest things that any family can go through. The outreach of friends is what has stopped me from going overboard and the constant prayers and thoughts have certainly eased the tension in my mind. It's been a battle that I'm sure me and the rest of my family are ready to beat. She will have surgery tommorrow and God willing nothing will happen and my mom will be fine and the strong woman I have always looked up to.
I can't help but think that this is different though, she has always been in my corner after every needle stick, xray, surgery, sickness and whatever else I go through I have always waken up to her sweet voice saying "Honey can I get you something?" or " Are you comfortable" or the simple fact of seeing her face and telling me that she loves me and that everything will be ok. My mom has endured 8 open heart surgerys, millions of Doctor Appts, tons of Cardiac Caths always dealing with me in the worse moods of crying, screaming, yelling and occasional cussing. Day and night she stuck with me and has never given up on me. I can remember one time, where I was so frustrated and tired, I had not gotten more than two hours of sleep . I was cranky and just plain pissed off and felt like God had punished me for some reason and the punishment was my heart condition. I had completely lost it, I told the nurse to F**k off ( because she had missed my vein three times trying to put an IV in) and threw a water pitcher across the room. I was beyond mad just more agitated because it was exactly the 21st day I was in the hospital. My mom just looked at me and told me she loved me picked up the water pitcher and began holding my hand and just watched sportscenter with me and for some reason that was all I needed and I made it through the rest of the week and went home. I always took for granted that she was there and sometimes I thought she would let me have a night to myself. Than again I don't know If I would have even survived one surgery let alone eight without her.
Tommorrow will be one of the hardest days of my life knowing that I'm 900 miles away from my mom as she deals with surgery. I feel as though roles should be reversed I should be the one she sees when she wakes up, holding her hand. Instead i'll be in a cubicle staring at a screen for eight hours hoping my sister has texted me with updates. I flirted with the idea of flying up there, but due to prior obligations with work it was simply not possible. I will brave the day and try and put on a face like nothing is wrong, when in fact I will be hurting because I can not be there for my mom when she needs me the most. If I do know my mom like I think I do she will be fine and within a couple of hours after her surgery she will be asking me if I had taken my medicine and pestering me about if I think any girls are cute. I will smile and say ' I love you Mom'
